He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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