I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
