I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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