You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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