Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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