Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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