Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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