i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
vagina is talking i cant
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
