I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
