I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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