I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
