the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
