the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
