remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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