my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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