The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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