why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
