Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize