my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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