dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
