Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just gargled with NyQuil
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
