I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
