I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
