If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
