so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
