You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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