I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
