Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
