I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he puts the penis in happiness.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize