my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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