Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
