I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
