is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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