yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
