She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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