So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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