I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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