Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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