mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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