Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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