i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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