You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
