what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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