He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
