apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
