I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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