I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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