My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
