it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
