evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
