You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
