I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
