apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
