just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
