Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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