Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
