I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
