I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize