just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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