I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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