so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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