Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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