Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
