Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My hand turned me down
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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