I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
